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Tuesday, November 17, 2009
just some thoughts to regurgitate.
Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 9:56 PM Friday, August 28, 2009
im absolutely gutted now. my trust has been betrayed and im lost at the crossroads. i hate it when i come here having to talk about things that upset me cause everytime i look back at these posts, i'll feel really stupid for being so childish and immature, and for letting the emotions get over my head. theres many things i wana do, many things i want to say. many people i want to blame. many things i want to give up. but at the same time, theres many things i wana prove wrong, many things i wana earn for and even more things i want to share. i dont want to look back, 5 yrs down the road, regretting yet another dream that i did not pursue. And to prove myself, im going to make things right. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 12:53 AM Monday, July 13, 2009
ok, so its official. i'll be heading to pulau (N)(I)(E) after being rejected by the 3 other major unis. its been quite a big joke so far. cos fac camp was cancelled due to H1N1, which to me is totally ridiculous cos every other uni camp that i know of is still going on. and apparently, they've also cancelled several sch events that were scheduled in the later part of the year. i wonder if they're just being paranoid or its just that theyre using the whole flu thing to avoid the major sch events. its just uncomprehensible. the next biggest joke has got to be this e-orientation that they've planned out for us to make up for the actual orientation programmes. OMG, e-orientation? they might as well say they made a video of a virtual tour of the school for us. and we'll be so well prepared when sch starts. THANKS. the only good thing about this is that we dun have to go down in person to do our registration on the 24th, but then again, that would have been the only chance for us to see and meet our fellow coursemates before lessons start in aug. FOCs are also turning out to be a major headache for me. because we dun exactly come under NTU's student union, ppl like me did not receive any camp invitation even though we were very much eligible to enter for the camps. so im actually in this situation now where i dun have any camp attend cos every other camp's registration is over. not the best situation to be in. coming to the 7th week of hiatus now. theres nothing much to look forward everyday when i wake up and its really a big challenge to keep myself sane. always looking forward to dates with my various friends but these dates come in sporadic bursts of a few days at a stretch then dies down for a week or something. so my mood goes up and down according to the number of times i manage to get out of home. definitely need to shop before GSS ends and sch starts. too many things to stock up! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 10:38 PM Monday, March 30, 2009
Just went for an ex-classmate's 21st party recently. This friend of mine used to weigh probably around 120kg, stood at 185 and probably reminded you of a huge-ass santa claus. so imagine my surprise when this friend showed up in front of me, looking not much bigger than myself. WeiXian has came a long way. back then, he used to be a pesky "little one" who was constantly on my nerves, often pissing me off for all the wrong reasons. i.e. asking me "duh" questions and basically having a very nonchalant attitude about his weight and how it would affect his life. back then, i used to snap at him for pestering me with all the dumb questions and would lecture him whenever he displayed any signs of disinterest in his weight management. 6 years later, i would not have imagined this change. He is now happily attached to a girl, 2 years older than him, and a positive relationship with his family members. 6 yrs later, he has also lost 40kg (I THINK), looking no more than 80kg. or perhaps even less. he told us it was the relationship that really motivated him to lose weight, perhaps to want to match up to his girlfriend or simply to look good for her. Oh, the power of love... well, it seems that he has managed his weight issues and im really glad for him. I think what's more impt is that he's really grown up to be so much more mature, which i think came at a good time since it was his 21st birthday. He now has plans to marry at 26, and wants to be in SPF after he graduates. Now, i think that's what i call by maturity. being able to use his love for someone to motivate himself to lose weight, and be healthier individual. and also to really think for his, or rather their future. now, you might think why im dedicating this entire entry to him. well, its simply because i really feel happy for him. from being his sqd leader in NPCC, to being his "laoda" in class and now looking at him in this situation now. Amazingly, he still respects mine my opinions a lot which kinda showed when he put his hand around my shoulder and asked me sincerely if i felt that SPF was the right job for him. It kinda felt like he was seeking my approval (besides his parents' of cos) and it really warmed my heart. its like looking at my own junior, who has grown up so much emotionally and im just really really happy for him. Happy 21st Birthday, WeiXian! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 1:11 PM Thursday, February 19, 2009
thought i would come in and talk more about my experience so far. its been a good 7weeks or so. things have more or less settled down with the exception of the j1s who will be starting lessons with me next wk. im slightly excited about the new classes cos every one is unique and different in their own ways. i just hope i dun have troublemakers in my class. they can really spoil the whole mood of the lesson sometimes. anw, i was just thinking about it yesterday, now that ive gotten myself involved with both the soccer girls and council. the time im spending is a little extreme over the next couple of weeks. there are like days when im juggling both interviews and training and in the march hols, im even having back to back 4 and 3 day camps. which essentially means i wld be spending 7 days camping in office. OMG. after realising this, i kinda wonder what ive gotten myself into. i wouldnt say i regret my decision cos council was my CCA and i feel that it is only right for me to offer my services. but on the other hand, ive grown to enjoy the soccer training sessions for which i think has never been so enjoyable before. theres one thing about imparting my knowledge that ive learnt from someone else that really excites me. maybe its because i was never in a sports cca before, much less a team sports cca and the team dynamics of the cca is really very much different from what i would get from council or NP. theres alot of exchanging of ideas invovled which i like, cos most things are mutual and we dun have to force it down your throat. that kinda thing. so what im really hoping for is that my involvement in SC will be really fruitful and fulfilling. cos the time im sacrificing really means alot to me and i really hope my efforts will not go to waste and not be "just another senior trying to act wise" kinda thing. as for the future. i think i enjoy the being a teacher. or to be more specific, a PE teacher. i think its really quite what i have in mind. firstly, theres a good balance of office work and getting in the sun. i get to interact with different sorts of ppl everyday. i get to influence and share my experiences with the kids. the worse part it seems, is the number of school projects that pe teachers get involved it. but i think i'll be fine with that, cos i think its a really good opportunity to experience different aspects of outside work. like even doing sports all day long will get mundane eventually and we need to get our brains working once in awhile. i'll still be trying out for FASS in NUS, psych/soci in NTU, social sci in SMU. and if all of them fail, AGAIN, i'll have to try to appeal into PE in NIE. oh, and i think i really miss my friends recently. i haven seen deph since cny and even then was just catching a movie tog. haven seen one-third for a month nw. and as for the "six", its just different when my saturday nights are spent rotting at hm as compared to hanging out with them at good ol' gardens. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 6:56 PM Monday, February 02, 2009
2009 is proving to be a busy year for me, with a number of my friends turning 21, with only january gone, i've attended 5 birthday celebrations and many more in sight over the next few months. not that im bragging about having many friends, but having to straddle work with these kinda party celebrations was kinda hectic. and there were days when i had less than 2hrs of sleep to survive on. new kids just came in today. im looking forward to taking up more "challenges" just cos my timetable is really dry now. like i only have one lesson today at 4.30pm and NO LESSONS at all tmr. so it gets kinda drag-ass in the office when i have times like this. and without any administrative work to handle, all i look forward to are my lessons, so i daresay, give me more please! to sum up the time ive had in over the 3 wks. my classes have been generally co-operative. many of them are easy to handle and i treat them like how i treated my OG when i was an OGL in j2. its abit too informal for my liking cos a couple of them tend to TRY to climb over my head and i've to put in measures to prevent that from happening. but its good enough. most seem to ask me about my time here as a student or my time in the army as a red beret. i think ive more or less settled down with them and i hope they've began to accept me as the new PE teacher cos i was feeling kinda pressured to step into Dan Ho's shoes. but all's well so far, so wish me luck for the new kids coming in. cca wise, i chose to take up one, seeing that ive nothing better to do most of the time anw. and i felt it wld be a good exposure for me to experience a bigger spectrum of what to expect as a full time teacher. the kids in there are a lively bunch and im glad i chose the right cca. it really reminds me of the time when i was still training wssnp in the campcraft comp and im trying my best to impart whatever little skills i have of the game and of cos, to inject a little hardiness into them all. they certainly impress me with the standards they're playing at, and for one of them, who actually beat me in the beep test (lol, how embarrasing to say). i've high hopes for them and im looking forward to achieving a championship medal with them. the coach is a really nice guy also, happens to be an ex red beret too so i believe we have a never say die attitude. being number 1 is also impt to ppl like us, so im looking fwd to working with him to get the best from the team. learning the names of my 3 classes and the team has been quite a headache. the troublemakers and the resident jokers are usually the easier ones cos they pretty much stand out from the class. but its those who are quietly running around at the back that really gives me problems. and i feel bad everytime when i have to turn to another student (whose name i probably not know also) to point and ask the name of another student. very sad i know but im really trying my best. not easy when you have about 80+ faces and names to remb in 3wks. and starting next wk? gona have to add in the new kids to that number so its quite omg scary. colleagues wise. generally warm and nice ppl. all guys so there isnt much awkwardness. with guys, you dun have to worry about smelling bad after class, eating like a pig, sleeping in the office, snacking on junk food and listening to music cos most of them do all of the above, if not some. lol. its a guys office, so you cant escape from that. and thats also a sign of how neat the office really is. perhaps a little too cluttered for some, but totally fine for me, as long as there's aircon. lol. meeting up with one third. its a very warm feeling i get whenever i see them because they're all such funny people and i never fail to laugh at something embarrasing that they do. its only with them when im "pushed to my limits" because im always dragged into some lame pose or action with the camera snapping and the video recording. after all these yrs, i feel more at ease with these 6 girls and i feel really blessed to have really got in to the clique despite all the time that i neglected the class when i was in sch with SC and NP always taking up my time. it was a night of "random revelations" the other night. while drifting in and out of shuteyes, it was finally revealed to the group that there were new ppl arnd in their lives and we were all happy for each other. i was genuinely surprised at some of the revelations but there were a few that i felt was long overdue, just that things got a little complicated along the way and that it wasnt convenient for us to be in the known yet. ive met all but one so far. some give me positive vibes, some not so but i try not to say too much cos vibes as vibes may be, may not be accurate all the time. but anws, now that things are out, im starting to realise that instead of belonging in the majority of singles in the grp like i used to be, the singles are actually the minority nw and that really scares me. it scares me how fast things can change and how im still stuck in the same position i was many yrs ago. while i may not show my worry, its always been at the back of my head, always nagging at me about when the time will come. its not that im desperate to get into one but its just that i feel really uncertain about whether im doing things right. ive been putting into good practice on how i can give good impressions to the parents and i feel im all ready, all set for things to come into place. what's lacking nw is this assuarance that im lacking.i find myself unable to distinguish my feelings between food for the eyes kind or potential partners kind and it worries me because i find myself regretting decisions that i've made years ago. on uni. im still very keen on NUSFASS and im very worried about my chances this yr cos its my last chance for anything to happen. heck, im not even picky, as long as its ntu psych or smu social sci. its sucha terrible ordeal to go through, having to explain why im going into NIE. while it may be one of my career options in the future, im not looking forward to obtaining a teaching degree that will not exactly benefit my field of work in the future. so im praying hard that my application will be successful this time so i can finally breathe easy. the only postive i see out of the situation nw is that im possibly getting my own car, to travel to pulau NTU. mum's apparently feeling quite rich nowadays, wanting to renovate the place and getting the car for me. but the more she does, the more i feel indebted to her for all that she has done for me. well, but i doubt that will materialise if i go to NUS of SMU cos they're much more accessible so its kinda "hard" to choose between huh? NIE w car or NUS (my choice of sch) w/o car. lol. ok, so plenty of worrying to be done in 2009 besides the economy and the potential loss of jobs of our own friends and relatives. so i shall follow what i've always believed in, that "the winding tunnel of darkness always ends with the promise of light". Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 10:31 AM Friday, January 23, 2009
i think i may have to change my FB display pic really soon. one gay is one too many. not that im homophobic but its really hair-raising to have a guy say "you look nice" as a introduction comment. even though im totally speculating about his sexual orientation here (i mean, which guy has an ENTIRE page of guy friends on fb?), there were a couple of others whom i highly suspected but didnt want to see to much into it. anw, the thing is, wth. just because my display pic is with a guy sitting next to me doesn make me gay. my fb states very clearly that im looking for a male-female relationship! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 10:52 PM Monday, January 12, 2009
one week ago, i was bumming around the place. too bored, and so very restless with nothing on my hands. fast forward to a week later. suddenly couldn find time to blog. to reply emails. to do work research. damn, where has all the spare time gone to. Starting work at SA tmr. really excited about the whole thing yet kind of uncertain about what to expect. really ambivalent. hope things start out well. first impression always counts so im really praying hard things will go smoothly tmr, even though i have no lessons. haha. very soon, i think i'll probably be restricting access to this blog cos of professional reasons. cant have my st*dents stumble upon and read my rants and my happenings. too scary how the internet works. shall work out a way to let the usual ppl access. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 1:35 AM Thursday, January 08, 2009
you know from time to time, you actually regret some decisions that you chose and things that you did not do. sometimes, these decisions come back to haunt you and you feel really low. but what are you to do, when it only exists in the past? Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 3:25 AM Monday, January 05, 2009
i feel really excited to write these days and sometimes i just look forward to writing again so much. definitely hope this stays with me cos i think writing keeps me sane and helps me to express myself so much better (at times) and in so much more detail (because no body can interrupt me). dunoe if going to an arts stream made me like writing but yea, i definitely love the arts more nw, sci can be intriguing but with arts, theres just so many ways to express oneself. i think reading entries of jien helps sometimes because there wld actually be ppl telling her how much they love her writing and somehow i get a little inspiration from that. and while i may not comprehend her writing most of the time, i am simply in awe how someone, can say so much, in so few words! and even though i dun read as much as i wld love to, i think one of my goals for this year is to read more, not just books for sch, but literary works, just so that i can work my brain and sift through the deeper meanings that lie between the lines. and while being a good writer is still way beyond my reach, at least i have the "feel" for it now and im enjoying every moment of it! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 12:27 AM Saturday, January 03, 2009
one thing that i think we should do from time to time - READ YOUR OLD FRIENDSTER TESTIMONIALS! i was doing that in the first hours of the new year after finishing the previous post. it really brought back alot of sweet memories cos back then when friendster first started, ppl meant what they said in their testimonials. not some "hi, my webcam is up and working again" kinda adult msg that you get from your friends nowadays, no thanks to ad-ware or whatever harmful -ware thingy. and since i can be considered quite an early user to friendster, i did have a few testimonials that really had me thinking back of the good ol' days. things that were written by ppl whom you were really close with, but are no longer close anymore? things that ppl wrote about you that can be so nice, and heartwarming. things that ppl wrote about you when they barely knew you? one of the few testimonials that kinda stuck with me was the one from deph. it kinda went like this, "hi dan, known you for 11yrs but i think i still dunoe you that well..." true, i always brag to my friends that deph is like the 17yr friendship fren. shes the epitomy of childhood friends. but what i fail to mention was the fact that we did have our times when we barely knew each other. our first 5 yrs were spent in isolation, separated by the cruel walls in primary school. then came the "are we a couple" kinda thing. then came the "3 yr hiatus". then came the... oh whatever. thing is, im really really glad to have her as a friend. and i was really upset with myself when i saw that testimonial. upset with myself, mind you. cos i really should have done so much more to have communicate with her. but at least things are better nw, we're still good friends, and i doubt we'll say "ive known you for 17 years but i still dunoe you" in a testimonial. we've moved on and things are pretty smooth, just that i feel, things are just not right with me and ben as long as i dun get myself a partner. as a guy myself, i know how difficult it must be for ben to have a partner to be close to another guy, a single guy. and im very much looking forward to the day when i can sit down with not just deph, but have a 4 way conversation with our respective partners. that, i think, would be a good transition to our friendship. more on friendship. 30th Dec was Julie's bday. for the unaware, julie is from one-third, which is my JC class clique, who happen to be one of the most important friends in my life at this moment. her bday came and went and nothing was done. and since jien (another 1/3 who's on xchange) tasked me to take over her role as the party planner, the fault obviously lies in me for the fact that nothing was organised! wat makes it worse is that sheryl (1/3 member) is leaving on MONDAY for xchange, so that makes another occasion to meet up. so now here i am, 4 days overdue for julie's bday, and 2 days short of sheryl's departure. with no plans in mind whatsoever. best of all, having procastinated like forever over the past few days (which was spent at hm), i have came up with, nothing. so right now, the plan is, im gona msg them, to meet on sunday. dun care if its church day or family day or the day b4 sheryl's departure and i DAMN sure hope that i can get them out for a meal at least. and i was telling lynn (1/3) that i didn even feel this guilty when i skipped the hw of this really really nice teacher. damn. and thats not all on frienship. 2009 marks the 10th anniversary of me leaving my primary school and I HAVE A DREAM. A dream that the northland'ers of '99 will get together to catch up, socialise and network all over again. i mean like seriously, ive thought about it since in 2008 when i met up with AA. its a really bold idea but i want to believe that i can pull it off. Even though majority of my batch is not in the alumni, inc myself, i am confident that i will be able to reach out to a substantial amount of ppl. like my old squadmates from NP used to say, Daniel is the guy to look for because he is Singtel Network, nowhere under the sun where he does not have the contact... of a girl. mildly amusing, but yes, i do hope i can still activate my singtel abilities and sound out ppl from my batch for this really meaningful get together. but if all else fails, i would still be able to do an elitist EM1 thingy by combining an AA and AB gathering, that has been in the discussion stages like forever. just so you know, the ppl from AA and AB were more or less from the same classes in p3 and 4 so we kinda know each other from like donkey yrs ago, so it'll be a pretty good one too. and before 2008 ended, i told myself i wld pack the room and the cupboard. 2nd day of 2009 and its pretty much sitting in the very same condition. man, procastination is such a bitch! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 2:57 AM Wednesday, December 31, 2008
ok, so i decided to give blogging a try again since im so free nowadays and also because ive got myself out of the uniform so i believe my brain needs a little workout before it goes into degeneration. changed the entire skin since its been such a long while and ppl nw probably wldn have heard of spirited away. the main picture for this skin was supposed to be hitsugaya toushiro from the anime series, bleach. i liked his character - the no-nonsense attitude coupled with the kick ass wind swept bleached hair and his serious sense of responsibility makes him the new anime character im currently crazy over. haha. the 2 pictures below were from original blogskins, and im still undecided whether i shld put one of these up or stick with the current one with the NDP backgrnd. kinda like how the photo has blackened corners done by the photographer. but yea, im undecided. bleach or cool ndp pic. HELP!   so im out of the service. enjoying the civilian life and not regretting my decision NOT to sign on cos well, there are better ways to suffer. did a short 5-6wk stint at a particular tuition centre thats more famous for its brand than its quality. unfortunately had to endure this period of time with another short sandbag who's more useless than the one back in OCS. both were short and incompetent. how sad that sandbags are of such quality cos i wanted to be one myself and i still wld have chose sandbag over any other vocation if stiletto wielding ppl didn take me in. made a short trip to genting, did some shopping, in addition to the many other shopping sprees ive done since getting the pink card. am not proud of how im turning into such an shopaholic but i console myself in the fact that i did not do any shopping at all in my 2 years. =) right now as im composing this post on the brink of 2009, i cant help but be reminiscent of the year that has passed all too soon. 2008 didnt start off well for me, having been posted to do a desk job in an office. doing alot of shit work and having to endure a whole different kind of subordinates. plus having to spend my 21st on the back of a unimog is no joke. my 21st party was a different story though. i was really glad for those that had turned up. even though i didnt had time to interact propoerly with everyone and even though some may have felt that it was a little too over crowded. i was just glad with the company and the help that i got from one-third to help pull me through the party. things eventually got better in 2008 with the start of SAFDP and NDP training. back to doing something that i enjoyed and was familiar with. definitely an experience that i will not forget anytime soon. meeting SAFSM and ASM was kinda inspiring. imagine 2 typical kopitiam uncles in green fatigues but commanding the respect of all in the army. met a couple of great guys who suffered together with me in the training and all. the actual day turned out really well and im really happy for everyone in the team cos the hardwork really paid off on that day. then came the training that i underwent together with all the guys from my batch. it was great to finally step out of office and work with everyone once again. and definitely an even better to be out in the field once again. less the first outfield where we were still feeling our way arnd, the rest of the training was smooth sailing and thailand was much more enjoyable this time round. so now, 2008 has ended and 2009 is starting to creep in. things to look forward in 2009,
and in line with the year coming to an end, here are the things to be thankful for in 2008.
so that's for 2008. Thank you all for the past year, esp those that i may have missed out. HAPPY NEW YEAR! =) Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 11:01 PM Wednesday, July 16, 2008
just came back from the movies with my folks at gv ysh. i thought i should bring them to watch red cliff since my mum's such a big fan of war movies and what more its a john woo film plus its historically and culturally enriching in a sense. i would say the movie was pretty good. im impressed with acting of zhuge liang by takeshi whatever, i mean, zhuge was a brilliant strategist and i would say takeshi did a pretty decent job. he just needs to look a little older though. lin chiling was an additional side dish, kinda reminded me of lord of the rings with all the male actors and one miserly female character in arwen, less the elf queen who reminds me of narnia's ice queen. heh. but i digress, lin's acting has plenty of room for improvement but at least there were no crinch worthy scenes like jay chou's crying scenes. her voice is rather whimpsy and irritable though. i've been on leave the past 2 days and i must say its really a well deserved break from all the wkends dedicated to NDP. i decided that i should probably take leave for the following 2 mondays to stretch my wkend by just that little bit. since i still have at least 15 days of leave and off-in-lieu to clear before year end. the good thing about longer wkends is that i get more time to myself and just laze around. i still get calls from office from time to time but its all part and parcel, something which ive accepted. another thing is i get to meet up with people whom i dun usually have the time to. for instance, i met deph on sunday night and we were out talking from what 11-4am? haha. im glad that we can still talk to each other even after so long and it never fails to amaze me when we still have stuff to talk about even after so many yrs. thankfully, she has a understanding bf who trusts me enough to be talking to her at such unearthly hours. other than catching up on each others lives, we also talked about the past, ppl from pri sch, things that happened, how ppl have turned out, the usual gossips about ppl who were but are now... usual stuff and its very nostalgic to be talking about them. PLUS, im really excited about 2009 cos its the 10th yr since we graduated from nps. and ive really big plans in mind for the cohort which i really hope to be able to put in place. i also managed to catch up with lynn and jien at the former's place plus a "wii practice" session as lynn wld put it. im really glad that i made the choice to join one-third and even with all the uneasiness being the only guy arnd, i think its all worth it cos they put my life in perspective. theyre like my link to the going ons in the global scene cos theyre either well-travelled or simply more well-read than i am. i would feel really dumb sometimes but honestly, these girls are serious kick-ass, at least they respect me for who i am and not like some posers out there who think they're know-it-all but are simply the shallowest and most apathetic ppl arnd. last night, i met up with gen for a supposed supper session but we ended up talking about the future and our futile attempts to "lay out the cards" in front of us. she brought up the idea of ANU, something which dear mummy had tried to convince me to take a look after i unglamourously failed to get into fass once again. then, i brushed it off as im not gona consider a foreign uni cos thats really gona burn a big hole but as situation has, i think ive got to re-consider my options. cos if han siang can make it there, i dun see why i cant either. besides that, we tried to decipher our potential in the work scene cos honestly, i think we have a couple of things in common besides average grades. on the happier side, we talked about birthdays and how apparently my present was not quite the one she had in mind. there were even plans laid out for the subsequent b'days that are coming up. rest wise, i dun think i've caught up alot in this short break bt i think at least it was fulfilling to have managed to talk to all of them. it was a good form of release and more imptly a diff setting and topic from the usual camp stuff thats really been driving me borderline crazy. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 12:35 AM Monday, July 07, 2008
i figured i shld come by to blog since ive nothing much to do except to rot now. its 4 more mths to ORD and i cant wait for the day to come. the past 1.5yrs passed by really fast and im kinda glad its all coming to an end. i know i might regret saying that sometime in the future but really, i need to get a life elsewhere. the place just doesn suit me at all. true its a diff job from the rest outside but the system and the type of ppl that are in the organisation just dont happen to click with my personality. besides that, im already too traumatised for an all too capable boss and an even better punishment system. like seriously... just completed SAFDP recently and i must say im really getting rather numb by the whole crowd ting. it doesn really scare me anymore and its become so routine, which was how it was like for yest NDP NE show. it was like any other sat rehearsal. just an added crowd infront of me which occasionally makes more noise than the usual bare stands that lie in front of me. ive been burning pretty few wkends and its really taking a toll on my poor enough social life. i cant even remb when was the last time i had a LONG wkend sleeping into the day or basically just slack arnd and rot at hm, some cave time perhaps. hopefully i'll be able to clear some leaves in the following wks ahead cos work is really such a chore recently. just when i complete a project, another one comes in and its really irritating when the job requires alot of admin handling. which wld prob mean more work for me. well in the next few mths before ord, i'll be on a really tight schedule. less this mth. many courses and to attend before i can finally get out. speaking of getting out. haven had got much progress with my uni appln. NUS holds firm that im nt good enough for them even after going down for their interview. so now im happily giving my life to NIE while still clammering on to the hope that i can still get into fass @ nus. anw, times up for me. my eyelids are really closing on me already. will be back soon! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 12:34 AM Sunday, February 03, 2008
today was the first day i looked at a girl and thought that maybe, i should approach her and get to know her. haha, at least i said 3 sentences. hi. what time do you close. thank you. lol. if fate exists, haha.  that's why im paid my extra $300. one moment a soldier, the next moment a stuntman airborne all the way!  Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 1:56 AM Sunday, January 27, 2008
haven exactly been leading the most of my life in recent weeks. i cant believe how ive been surviving the days rotting at home doing next to nothing. im in a stage where im just totally uninterested in how my life is gona turn out or how much of my life im wasting doing just nothing. my job now revolves around fwding emails, replying emails, making calls. its so mundane, tat im totally surprised at myself for staying awake at the job. looks like my greatest concern about doing office work has been solved. just make urself busy and just talk alot at work. haha. in a way, im jealous of ppl who have their own group of guys to handle cos thats precisely what ive been training for for the past year. which makes me wonder what all those training have done for me nw that i work in the office. i tink its almost near to nothing. considering the fact that i will never need to put camo on my face for the next half yr at least makes me really wonder if ive wasted my prev yr. but in the long term, i knw this will only benefit me as i wun be in the army for my life. im gona be working outside. not donning the green fatigues and convincing myself that singapore needs saving. perhaps im being naive cos im somewhat making the assumption that singapore will survive well and through without worry of an invasion, contrary to the believe of a certain BG. but who really cares anw, im convinced we will step up to the challenge when we're needed to. NO DOUBT. so now that im working in the human resource dept. im kinda glad that i am, and that its really such a benefit for myself cos its almost like doing an intern job. sometimes i really wonder if he has really planned for such tings to happen. all these "coincidences" tat happen along in my life. sometimes, i just really wonder. so now, im more sure of what im gona do in future. what i need to do now and what i should really appreciate. but one thing i cant stand is one of these obsessively possessive aholes who really has no idea what hes talking about. to me, i dun really give a shit whether or not hes gona be under u. cos lets face it, i can do a better job than u, anytime, anyday. my ranking proves it. and i believe in it. so dun come around and give me the shit that u tink im underminding u. cos if ure really so f'ing unconfident of ur abilities then dun f;ing be a commander. man, seriously, this totally pisses me off cos it made me seem like one big fool for having "interfered". how insulting. i tink recently, ive shrunken into my cave for so long. i really wonder whether im a sociable being or not. i really appreciate the company of frens and they've always been my biggest companion. but sometimes, it seems the world is so empty and lifeless and tat theres really no one out there to share my time with. some dun appreciate u as much as others would. some, no matter the time, will still rmb u for who u are and be there for u when u need them. some, will always be there to listen to ur ramblings. some, will always be there to be the spark, the synergy to brighten up ur day. i miss the days when i would be hanging out with my brothers in arms from np. every sat, our weekly ritual of shit and fun. the spirit in us ever buring so intense, intent to prove ourselves. i miss those brothers, for making the 7yrs i spent in NP absolutely worthy of every sec. i miss the exco, i miss how we were so young and full of energy, always sucking it up to do the last bit of sai kang. i miss how i cld smile and laugh along with all of them. i miss having fun. i miss the civilian life. i MISS. i forgot how to appreciate the sun. i can only hate it for making the march so unbearable. the soc so tough. i forgot what it meant to be running arnd the sun, enjoy the game of soccer. i forgot what it meant to be kayaking under the hot sun, enjoying a good tan. i forgot wat it meant to laugh along with my buddies. i forgot what it meant to be in love. i forgot how love was like. i forgot the brotherhood. i forgot the innocence of teenage life. i FOROGT. ive grown up, too serious to ever enjoy life like it was before. i can never bring myself to be self-indulgent. i cant remb how daydreaming is like. i CANT. i forgot how i felt RIGHT AT HOME in malan road. i forgot my roots. i forgot what it meant to be a gentleman and bilingual scholar. i forgot what saints are good for. i FORGOT. my dear frens, my dear group of angels (no matter how noisy u guys are, how embarrased u make me, how i always look like a gay pimp hanging out with u guys), my brothers in np, my brothers in army, you (who really have taken away my confidence), you who really makes me miss ur presence, you who i already forgot what it meant to share my life with u, you who dragged me up from my failure, you fool who can be such an ass, so stupid, so foolish but yet i have to accept u for whu u are. i'm a sad boy today. share my sorrow. share my hope.     
i cldnt help but think that this picture describes how i feel exactly now. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 4:46 PM Sunday, January 06, 2008
its the start of a new yr, so new beginnings for everyting. much has changed since the previous entry. i tink not just in how i am as a person, or hw i feel about certain issues, or some improvements in my life so far. most significantly i suppose, is the fact that i was commissioned as an officer bout 3wks ago. looking back at the previous 6mths in OCS, i tink the experience that ive had in there, was kinda monotonous. first theres the fact that im learning stuff that has totally nothing to do with the kinda operations i do in my unit, and secondly, ive this totally and absolutely fantastic (read sacarstic) "man-in-charge". thanks to him, i completely understand how revolting discrimination can be. there are, of course, in certain ways, how the school has improved me as a soldier. but honestly, there was more harm done than gain. going back to motherland definitely felt good. no more having to be e minority, no more having to live with the "ure a 'mando, make it happen". i mean, lets face it, those goons back there simply do no appreciate our presence and only do call upon us when they either need some sai kang to be done, or someting tat requires our experties. other than that, we're called wayang, wanabes, half-fark. u name it, u got it. how nice these ppl. thankfully, i had a great buddy. very helpful in any other way, self-sacrificing. and basically, easy to live with. so no complaints bout tat. the 6 days we spent outfield turned out to be rather surprising. considering that im not a very gd at humping weights, i was surprised i cld kp myself going the entire length w/o much difficulty. with thanks to some investments that i made to help me along. it was fun working with a bunch of officers cos everyone knows wat to do, and u dun have to scream at each other cos we've all been thru shit tog so we're naturally quite bonded. other than that, it was a positive experience to say the least. monday, we're doing heli-rappelling. sometimes im glad im a cdo, sometimes, not so, especially when ure humping half ur body weight on the move. but times like this, hardly come by. which makes my ns life more meaningful and enriching. who else gets to do all this? airborne, heli-rappel, free-roping, and some stuff that u see on tv? now tats an enriching ns life. lynn was back during this period of time also. i didnt get to meet up with her much. but i did manage to squeeze in an hour with her at her place (which is omg HUGE) to catch up with her and update her abit about myself.its always nice to have lynn back cos shes really nice to talk to. i always feel at ease. and of cos jean too, when shes back. so lynn just left for nottingham again 2 nights ago. it was uneventful, just us one-third and her. so ya. post sending off, the girls went crazy as usual. sometimes i really wonder how i can hide my face considering the stuff they do in public places. haha. but its all in the name of fun, and y hold back now when ure young and carefree. alot of decisions have been made by me as 2007 came to an end. for example, ive re-sketched my future for the next 5-6yrs. ive thought about career options. ive tot about relationship issues. ive tot about friendship. which is good, cos it really helps me to focus on whats impt and whats not. and also to have a direction in mind, and not be bumping arnd in the unknown. but i tink perhaps, what 2007 has done to me, is to have taught me alot more about myself. how much ive grown, and hw far i can go. i feel that 2008, will be a crucial yr in deciding my path for the future. so gd luck to me! besides, im turning 21. i tink the time's just right for me to shift into being "mentally independent". Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 12:53 AM Monday, November 19, 2007
inconherent post on a stormy lonely night. plenty going on in my mind rite now as i try to put my thoughts in words. coherent. proper sentences. sometimes i wonder whether its just me or is it that some guys can be such whimps. i cant quite believe what just happened earlier on. not forgetting the many instances where ive seen whimpy behaviour in guys. i mean like, cumon! its as if u had to kill your entire family to get things done for us. like, grow up and be a man! being a f'ing appointment holder means u jolly well understand and ACCEPT the sacrifices that you HAVE to make. and not whine at the instance when ppl dun co-operate with you. no one's gonna be bothered with a complain king dude. seriously, i tink ive some really big problem accepting ppl who thinks theyre the most pitiful person arnd. girls and guys. cant they see that the world doesn just revolve arnd their pitiful little lives? ppl out there are dying of malnutrition, suffering immense loneliness and yet there are ppl here who make it seem as if the world owed them an explanation for everyting that doesn go their way. long talk last nite. tat topic just made me feel so emo and lonely in this big place we live in. ask urself this question today. how many REAL friends do you have? do you think you will still be friends with the person 10 years down the road? how many "friends" are actually just situational friends or companions for a particular interest? Dear friend of 15 years, pls meet up really soon. i hate to be beginning all over again. but yea, lets just leave it to how we usualy do our catch up. Dear friend-who-picked-me-up-from-the-bottom-of-all-pits, i really miss talkg to you. pls come back soon or just call. Dear friend-who-saved-me-from-the-bottomless-pits-of hell, im tryg to be very patient with the next month or so. Dear friend-who-i-like-to-call-my-buddy-for-live, when can we start insulting each other to push ourselves to the next level? Dear friend-whom-i-cant-decide-if-i-shld-consider-you-a-friend-or-someting-more, im the most confused soul in the world, please dun blame me. Dear friend-from-up-there, i haven talked to you in ages. i hope you remb me cos i feel really bad for neglecting you. btw, gen, happy 19th bday! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 12:08 AM Tuesday, November 13, 2007
sometimes, all it takes is a little msg with a little haha and a little imagination to really make ur day so much better. its been a long while since i blogged. my "tour" in this vacation hotspot has really left me a demoralised, defeated and sore person. wheres the justice? have all eyes gone blind and all ears gone deaf? perhaps i shld take a note from my own little life's principle. on the contrary, it felt nice to have been part of god's little little plans that inevitably just sneak into someones life to cheer the person up. it was a great feeling to be part of the whole thing. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 11:49 PM Sunday, September 16, 2007
dunoe y but ive been feeling really drained recently. besides issues that are bugging me in my NS life now, im also suddenly more aware of the situation that my female friends are in currently. had a good talk with zehou (a cdo who apparently looks like me) about the situation i was in.i tink perhaps he is right, its about time we stepped in to do someting about wats goin on. true, ive been whining alot about it. complaining. ive unknowingly slipped into the mindset of those whom i frown upon. whats with all the complaints? i need to get going. to move on ahead. to just suck it up and charge ahead for the next few mths. its gona be tough motivating myself, but still. i tink its a responsibility to uphold the culture of excellence that once lived in us. read the bit on gen's blog upon how emo it is when she gets back to hall on sundays. and about how she has such little time on wkends to spend with so many groups of friends. i tink perhaps, ya, its like slowly but surely creeping into all our lives. just like us NS men, it seems tat those stayg in halls are facing the similar problems with friends from outside. tina was just saying today, that its sometimes, really so difficult to make the effort to continue to meet up with ur frens now. esp when everyone is so busy with sch work, projects, and NS. its been really tiring i must say, to just try to maintain the level of frenship. and i tink for me esp, it sucks cos i know how much i depend on frens to keep me going and motivated. dun feel like carrying on with the post. its too bleah already. lynn's flyg off tmr nite, or rather tues mrning. its yet another departure. one less friend to call to talk to. but ive decided anw, to start making the effort to call the rest of one-third. on a side note, i tink i mite be getting a psp slim tis coming wkend. its finally out and ive been deprived of gaming for too long. so yup, i tink i may jus splurge on one tis wk. not making alot of sense in this post. bt yea, i needed like some outlet. like rite away. so ya. life is just so bleah now. time to sink myself in work and plough thru the road ahead. not going to forget my principle. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 11:25 PM Thursday, August 02, 2007
long time since i last wrote anything. in my bunk in ocs rite now. yes, we have computers in our rooms with internet access. its tat welfare. but its good. i dun feel so cut off from the world nowadays. but anw, i tink i shall jus sum up on some of the stuff that ive been doing for this past half yr. i guess most ppl wld already noe that im serving my ns liability with the red tops. i refuse to explicitly quote my vocation cos i jus dun feel right "showing it off". but anw, i tink the past 6 mths have been one helluva ride. i rmb i felt rather ambivalent when i first got news of where i was gona go. and i tink, coming to this stage, i no longer feel this ambivalance, but rather, a certain pride of what i go thru that most ppl are either envious of (usualy the siao on ppl) OR simply respect for us. i wld say it took a lil getting used to climbing from the bottom during bmt stage. but im glad i had a few good men in my bunk who kept me goin in my bmt stage. fortunately, i had 2 ex-chs, one a fellow 87, and another junior. it helps when u have the support of jus tis 2 other ppl, cos u can rely on them and stuff. and basically, the rest of them in my bunk were largely co-orperative and an enthusiastic bunch. instructor wise, i cldn have asked for better ones. i tink up till tis stage, i still respect them for their commanding abilities. even if i compare them as specs with the officers im with now. heading on to the the 2nd phase of vocational training with the leaders. i tink tis was the stage where i struggled most. it was kinda sad, being the loner around. w/o frens to lean on, and to jus tell ur probs too. unfortunately, i dun have many happy memories of my times with the guys. to me, it was jus a trasitional phase where i had to just get thru it. jus bear with the shit and get thru with it. indeed, my grp of guys werent exactly united, neither were they supportive, selfish i wld say. but im glad i pulled thru all tat, and barely scrapped thru to being on the interview board for ocs. i guess it was really a blessing. i was half hoping i cld start all over again to really prove myself with another grp of ppl, and at the same time preparing for the worse cos i knew in my mind tat wasn the best i had displayed. but like i said b4, God jus has his way of showing us his plans.the trip to taiwan certainly made me grow up more. it was a long 11-day outfield, but tat really taught me to go way beyond my physical endurance to basically just relying on the mental fitness to push on. rite now coming on to ocs, i tink, i wld say im disappointed with the standards tat im seeing. not tat im particularly capable myself. but im most disappointed with the attitudes and mentalities of some of the guys here. although frankly spking, my prev 2 visits to ocs had kinda shown me wat kinda ppl actually come here, but i never expected it to be tat extreme. i shant elaborate more, cos i dun tink i wana be marked down, YET. but yes, my female frens out there, jus bear in mind tat not ALL guys in ocs are like "one-up" (army lingo). more like, w*in*y kids who know nothing but ATNA. esp in my wing now, i tink my msn nick tells it all. i jus feel tat someting is missing in my term here. the 11 of us red-tops are still trying to stick close to one another but with wave aft wave of unnecessary criticisms and condescending remarks, it jus wears us down with another burden. true enough, its the kinda pressure tat we were supposed to face here, and its not like we haven been told about it b4. dun be mistaken. its nt tat i cant take the pressure. but its jus getting a lil on my nerves. and trust me, im not someone whos easily affected by mere insults. i tink to put it in a simpler way, we're like wild dogs being leashed up. and i tink when we finally get unleashed, theres gona be hell in ocs. so i dun tink its tat bad tat we're being denied sufficient chances to prove our worth at tis stage. cos there WILL be a time. and when it comes, my 10 other red tops will leave no stone unturned. i feel all the pent-up energy, jus waiting for tat day to come to let it all out. and i try to kp in mind that god has in place his plans for us. we just have to be patient. haha, ok, enough of tat crap about motivating myself for the mths to come. its been half a yr since i last left sch officialy. and i tink this step out into the society has made me realise alot about sch. it was easy back then, pon lessons when we want to, slp when we want to, hang out when we want to, laugh when we want to, play when we want to. i must say it was good. the good ol' days that will never be experienced again. i tink wat i miss most is the freedom of movement. to be able to jus go home whenever i want to, to have the freedom to go to the cafe or sc whenever i wanted to. its jus tis feeling tats so sorely missing in the army. took some getting used to i must say. but the good ting is tat, rite now, at least ive a com with net access in the rm so i feel less shut out from the world. i miss council, miss the soccer matches we had with other councils and ccas. miss welfare a hell lot. all of them, whether they worked closely with me b4, they were just an excellent bunch of ppl. though frankly spking, i doubt i made much of an impact as HOW, but im proud to say ive led my team of 25 to the best of my abilities. and never will i forget the day we were so down.... so down and out because we had been lectured by the teachers, and the turning pt when the "rallying call" was made. it was so full of passion, enthusiasm and spirit. it just felt like WOW. counter duties, bugging yuan to submit new schedules, hounding belle for proposals, pestering alfred for blazer loans, complaining to kenneth about illegal locker usage, and not forgetting cracking my mind to throw projects at pong. the uncountable relays sent out. numerous meetgs for various events. ltc, orietation, sav moving. the clean ups. the bitching. carrom. muslim food. boring econs lectures. lit lectures that wld last an hour with just one transparency on screen with students who can conjour up pageS of notes jus from tat. geog assignments tat were never entirely done ourselves. or how about gp work tat was NEVER done. or simply PE lessons tat was the only time A41 actually fought hard tog. malan road toilets. container classrms. dark corridors. air con and NON air con halls. puny AVA rms. 1.5h bus rides home. $15 cab fares. mad morning rush. sc tat was never entirely clean. teachers who were never satisfied with ur proposals. students who would never understand the shit the councillors do for them. principal who could only spare us half an hour grace for an entire yr of svc to the sch. juniors who broke ur heart. juniors who made ur day. juniors who were uber/mega (lol) cute. OGs tat were crazy over u. learning dances (nitemare for me). assembly screw ups. faded pants, oversized uniforms. bitchy classmates. cynical bastards. endless sessions with wenglock for all the lit books. borrowing pongs notes for geog. last min sessions with may2 for econs. the fashionable teachers, the not-so-fashionable teachers. the frenly ones, the explicitly unfrenly ones. the new frens made. learning bout god from frens. rugby table. jokes about lyndon. forever tryg to siam LTJ's mood swings and habibah's hw. the big hoohah over PW and the greatest cover-up. the contempt ppl have for SA (a jumbled up version of KY jELLy). man, sch was helluve FUN. cibtc and NPDP. best experiences in my life. the kids under me. the scrutiny of the flag party. the partnership with the most unlikely cedarian. the slip-up during atc. the gossips. the outcast pair. the pathetic juniors or actualy fellow CIs who were so full of themselves, i doubt they even knew tat the whole world was bitching about them. the exploitation by the ATF bastards. the midjudgement and unjust placed in a certain GOH CC.the effing bastard son-of-a-***** who dared to kb zaki. the frenships with the lao jiaos. and travelling farther back. i miss the wss cc team. no doubt one of the biggest surprise package. it was one of the most daring and ridiculous idea ever, which turned out to be alrite in the end. the betrayal of my own unit for wss cc team. the looks i got for training the all girls team. the stupid issue during the one and only chs-wss hike. 24th ncos. syf. npdp as a cadet. nat camp. obs. tekan sessions with richard pang. hell camp in sec 1. sec 2 atc. bitter rivals with the BOYS in white. the lowest pt in life. the bounce back. the brothers. o'levels. man, i miss student life. but its time to let it go, time to grow up and be the man we should grow up to be. no more innocent fun. bring it all on. its time to move on! jus on a side note, its hard to imagine my frens now getting married in a couple of yrs. mellissa was an exception since i was never in contact with her. but jus imagine. perhaps in less than 5yrs time. i'll be attending weddings. listeing to the girls whining about work. chkin out my guy frens' girls. LOL Labels: Emo post Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 1:42 PM Sunday, June 17, 2007
been kinda busy with socialising.. real busy. haha.. anw, deph, i feel that i owe u tis entry wich i haven had the time to do yet. shall try to do it nxt wk. but anw, i really appreciated the last meetup. it was once again nice and comfy and im glad things are back the way they are. glad for u tat ben are u are happy. glad tat uve gotten over the "5.5"... but anw, im thankful to have sucha fren like u tat i can always rely on even when we seem to drift beyond hope. haha. ok, more nxt wk. till then! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 8:16 PM Tuesday, May 08, 2007
off to taiwan in the next few hours. the past few days have been blissful civillian life. kinda makes me wonder how tings are gona be like for me in the nxt 20days. many tings left undone here. or rather, i feel tat ive alot of unfinished business. mostly with frens whom ive met too rarely. deph seems like some distant stranger now. its been months since we last had a good talk but yet on tat day we had trble finding topics to talk about. ive always had a prob with conversation topics but still, it was deph, it was supposed to have come naturally. then with one-third. it was a quiet affair for me as i struggled to keep up with the interesting lifestyles tat the girls are leading. it fascinates me but at the same time, the distance is unmistakable. oh wells, these 3 wks aint gona make it better. lets try to make tings better when im back.. adios ppl. i'll be back on the 29th! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 10:50 PM Tuesday, May 01, 2007
some post-shaven photos that ive taken in the past few mths. actually theres VERY little cos i dun usually bring out my cam and anw im not tat photogenic now anw. haha.  Me & Jien (part of one-third) celebrating myt bday @ blu jazz ok, rare random photo of me in a cap. haha, and the cap aint mine. pong & i @ yuanling's bday celebrationElessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 9:04 PM
one of the rare occasions when ive got the time to blog about whats been goin on. life in army has been hectic to say the least. i must say the maroon headed family has been "moulding and shaping" me well into shape. there have been times when mud seemed to be part of the uniform, sleep deprivation seemed to be the norm, and basically, everyone weighed another 20-30+kg. try humping loads that u dun even have the strength to lift over ur head. sometimes it all seems like a joke gone wrong. but sometimes, the pride and respect u feel and get from others just makes it all worthwhile. i need motivation. i need strength, need tolerance, need determination, need wisdom, need clearity of mind. dear god, please bless me with them. army aside, haven been talkg to my friends for the longest time. esp one-third.its been like 2-3wks since i last talked to any of them. haven met deph for mths. haven talked to jean for weeks. haven met jiam, may2, char and her clique, the rest of a41, 4-4 guys, esp wuss, some of the 28th councillors, alina, AA ppl, des. the list goes on. then there are those whom ive jus met recently, "and then there were six" (joel, ian, gen, sam) with the addition of teenesh and manas. and just yest, the 87 batch of cat high frens. oh well, too many incoherent thoughts. haven written nor read in ages. lookg forward to the time when i can exercise my brain and work on my academics. and surprisingly, i must say i really miss readg and writing. Lit was never my fav subj but i just miss all those text analysis and all the cheem cheem interpretations and wat not. oh well, less talk, bout time to book in. I AM A MOTIVATED SOLDIER. =) Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 9:00 PM Sunday, March 18, 2007
was reading char's lj jus now and it jus brought back alot of SA memories and made me tink about alot of stuff. basically the same topics that she talked about. friends, school, uni.. stuff like tat. army's like kinda depressing really. ppl i meet, guys in ns, all share the same suffering of leading an almost non-existant social life. and at the same time losing his old frens, cant get gfs cos they have to stay in-camp most of the times. jus met up with heng qing last nite and i cant help but agree with many of the tings he said. rite now, im slipping back into my old self. the self-reflective, dreamy and tink-alot self. wich is a good ting cos i wana be like tat. but im afraid of going back to camp, and having to force my mind to focus on army, cos i really wana dream. i wana dream and reflect and jus stone and be emo and recall the times back then. uni applns are so troublesome, someone tell me if i shld be filling up the discreationary entry part cos i really have no idea if bbd c5 is sufficient for nus fass (not forgetting its the dragon yr).. cos if i am goin to do so, i need some darn referral letter from the teachers which aint a very convenient ting to do considering i only spent like less than 36hours outside camp (usually)... oh well, shall jus leave it till the nxt wk. need to get some shopping done. i need the therapy. need to sit someone down with me and rant and bitch about certain stuff. so dear frens, pls volunteer ur svcs if ure willing. haha. haven met so many ppl in ages. deph, liangyang, jiam, and then there were 6, jus so many i can tink of. wana fly to michigan, talk to jean. wana fly to thailand, shop. wana fly to somewhere. wana jump from c-130. random post, endless ranting, jus blabbering incoherently. oh well, who really cares anw. not many ppl read tis anw. haha Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 8:35 PM Friday, January 12, 2007
its like 6 more hours to enlistment and here i am starting on yet another lengthy blog entry. lol. im guessing im gona get arnd 3h of slp. anw, everyone has been asking me about enlistment. asking me if im prepared. asking me if everyting is fine. asking me if i can handle it. blah blah blah. seriously speaking. the days drawing towards enlistment has jus been a flash. ive been goin out almost everyday. jus meetg up with ppl whom i haven met in ages, meeting up with ppl whom have made significant impacts in my life. i guess its my way of distracting myself from the actual process of enlistment. it helps me to jus keep in perspective that army is JUST army, and not the end. everyone at home is worried for me. grandma, mama, papa, sis, 2nd sis, even the maid. i guess its reasonable since theyve all seen me grow up and its jus kinda diff for them to accept tat ive finally grown to an age when its time to serve the nation. but in a non-egoistic way, i tink i will handle just fine. perhaps they dun see what ive gone thru b4 in np camps and CIBTC and LTC. of cos these cant be compared to NS at all. but at the very least, i noe wat its like to not bathe for 3days, what its like to walk half-aslp, do push-ups till u collapse, doze off even tho ure rite in frnt of the instructor but yet u cant do anyting cos ure jus too damn tired to kp urself awake. in a way, whether ppl like it or not, tis shall keep me encouraged on my ability to survive in there. however, ive no idea wat to expect later on. ive a couple of frens and aquaintances who are enlisting with me. kenny chng, boon yew, bry, alvin. and a few other whom i noe they exist. its SLIGHTLY comforting to have company. yet the whole tot of having to be starting all over agin jus sucks. having to know everyone again. having to start climbing from the bottom of the ladder. having to learn the ropes all over again. but still, these are still manageable, albeit slightly nerve wrecking. anw, xmas may have been long over but theres someting tat i wana talk about. well, its not exactly about xmas. but anw, i was at ian's church during the xmas period for one of their youth service and tat was the first time i realised the importance of thanksgiving. thanking ppl may be someting tat u do every day. thanks for this, thanks for tat. watever. but have u really sat down, and thanked someone for what they have done specifically for u? that day. that day was jus simply such an overwhelming and mindblowing experience. ive nv did cried ever since my grandfather's death 9yrs ago and the last time i did was back in july when i stepped down as a councillor. but tat was a time when i wanted to cry, to jus let it out. and times like these, it cant really be considered ur innermost emotions. well, basically i cried tat day. and it was merely by thanking someone. i was really taken aback by myself but it jus hit me. tat day, i realised the impt of thanksgiving. i thanked God for many ppl who had influenced my life last yr. jean, one-third, and then there were 6, councillors. tat was kinda like the first time i felt i actually did a proper closure on the yr and truthfully and sincerely thanked ppl in my life. i cant really describe everyting in vivid details but ya, its someting i will never forget. the PURE emotion tat i felt. priceless. so my qn today is, when was the last time u really, truthfully and sincerely thanked someone? on the same note, i rmb b4 the year ended, i had a dream. it was about providing support for one another. and honestly spking. providing support is one of the most impt tings u can do for someone. for me, the person who supports me the most is no doubt, my mum. shes someone who has never ever failed to provide me with the support i need. even when i retained. it was heart breaking for her but yet, her undying support and trust in me made me realise the impt of her role in my life. mum has jus been really my central pillar of support, and without tat. i suppose i wld have crumbled long ago. and its not jus mum sometimes. sometimes, u need ur frens' support too. ppl like deph and jean. relatively impt ppl in my life, have also shown utmost support whenever i needed them. its jus amazing how u can feel so comforted to have these ppl supporting u all the way. and i thank God for placing them in my life. another year has passed and i jus feel tat its appropriate to reminisce about 2006. its already 11days into the new yr but its never too late. SAJC @ woodsville or SAJC @ potong pasir. i wun forget my first visit to the campus b4 its completion to recce for orientation. the disgust i had for its design. the dark dinghy corners, the blind spots, the very compact feeling, stuffy, dusty. it was definitely not love at first sight. but subsequently, i grew to love e PP campus for wat it is. after experiencing one awful yr of lousy toilets tat either dun flush or flush so hard that they actually splash on u. it was nice to once again experience dry and clean toilets in PP, excluding the gallery one though. heh. although its undeniable that PP will never have the same cosiness as malan road, and that the new SA will never be like the old, i guess the new campus wld have its own pros too. for one, u no longer feel tat pathetic in a run down sch. two, u dun have to take a bus to find an decent and UN-ulufied eatg place. 3, u dun feel like its ghost town once 5pm passes. 4, its darn easy to climb the damn sch fence. 5, where else can u be in the center of all the political hoo-hah involving chiam see tong and pap? 6, NO ONE can ever say they have never seen the new campus cos its right next to the ever busy CTE. but of cos, i really really really miss malan road. with its homely and cosy atmosphere wich PP will nv achieve unless u let it rot for another 20yrs. but anw, hail the pp campus. for its MANY hiding corners where u can die there w/o ppl finding u until a week later. for now, as we all step out into the backstabbing, dog-eat-dog, politically correct adult world, i take a bow and bid farewell to SAJC. many thanks for the memories. for A41. for council. for mdm zainaf aka muslim stall aunty. for evryting. it was a short, yet very fulfilling 18mths of companionship. another ting ive come to realise about myself in the past yr is tat i (wld like to put it tis way), more pragmatic and realistic (not cynical and obnoxious). its kinda ironic tat a pisces like me whos an avid dreamer wld be a pragmatic at the same time. but really, ive come to realise there are some tings in this world that will never be the way its portrayed on the media. its time we as ppl, come to realise our own shortcomings and accept our imperfections. dun we already know that we were not born angels, but born with imperfections? perhaps its time we stop living in self-denial already. of cos im not saying we shldn be using fantasies to motivate ourselves. but we must ACCEPT the truth behind it. if we can accept w/o grudges, it will go a long way to accept the way tings work out in life and perhaps shift less blame to how unlucky u were and blah blah. im not saying tis bcos im a sore loser. but ur life aint jus run by u. this world spins becos our lives interwine with one another, therefore making everyting complex and too cheem to understand. we weren made to understand tis complexity but to ACCEPT complexity and work along with it. similarly, ive come to realise i cannot stand it when ppl do things JUST for the sake of doing it. lets jus say A, B and C are meeting up. but A is with D now and he feels bad to not ask D along becos theyre all know each other. but A knows he will feel weird with D arnd and he knows B and C will feel the same. but YET, he chooses to ask D along. dun get me wrong, tis is no shooting session. but really, why make life so miserable? if D is gracious enough, he will understand the predicament and excuse himself. if ure gona kp tinkg about wat D tinks, then ure gona neglect ABC. aim for a win-win-win-lose situation. not a lose-lose-lose-win situation. anw, enough of weird thoughts and stuff. jus tings tat have been on my mind recently, wich i feel needs to be addressed here. haha. anw, i really really thank god for so many ppl. 1/3, esp lynn, jien and tina for always being the life system of the clique and jus making me feel so included as part of 1/3. and then there were six, nuff said. pong & teenesh, for adding tat balance into our whole trip. it wldn have been complete w/o u two. 4-4 guys. ive never felt my class guys were tat impt in my life until i met up with them again recently. seriously, where else can u find such lil bastards who are so fun-loving and non-political and basically jus good-clean all-guy atmosphere? a toast to these dudes! deph, for being there for the 15th yr and counting. area4 for being ever supportive despite my absence. d'04 frens for being tat variety of frens i have from poly and ites. its jus so many, but yea, these ppl came to my mind first. but whoever out there whom ive missed out, u have my thanks in my heard. =) so MINDEF looms nearer and so it shall be. 14days of absence frm home. lets hope tat i'll make it thru. till then, farewell! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 1:43 AM Thursday, December 28, 2006
"I call on you not to hate because hate does not leave space for a person to be fair and it makes you blind and closes all doors of thinking..." if saddam hussein really meant what he said, then tis wld really be a worthy quote. dear god, im sorry. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 3:30 AM Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Its goodbye to MOE and hello to MINDEF in 16days. the idea of being free from the clutches of school and exams at first, felt rather uplifting cos ure no longer being bounded by sch rules and uniforms and no longer having to worry about homework and pleasing teachers in class. however, like all those who have gone passed this stage have said. its much better to belong in school than in the working world. after a month of fuss-free holidaying, the thought of belonging to nowhere is begining to sink in finally. when we once used to worry about finishin holiday assignments, dying our hair black, orientation and stuff. we now worry what we shld do with SO MUCH free time. we no longer belong to a sheltered environment called sch. no longer given tis privelege of being a student. dun mistaken me, im not saying its a culture shock for me cos i've been told countless times of tis impending destiny. but of cos, no one likes to be in such a situation. for me, army is beckoning in 16days and the whole idea of NS is suddenly bleak and revolting. not so much that i abhor NS, but perhaps the idea of leaving all the good frens behind and starting all over again is kinda bleah. jean came back recently and we had a good talk about growing up, bout maintaining frenships, about stuff that have been going on while shes been in the US, pretty much alot of stuff. it was good to have someone to talk to again, to have a different perspective. to have a diff voice to listen to aft all the buzzing going arnd. it took alot of my shoulders cos it was quite abit to handle alone. jus saying it out helped alot. of cos there are still long standing issues that are still on my mind all the time. tings that dun disappear that easily. alot of tinking to do. in 16days, its gona be game on. and hopefully, jus hopefully, tings will be right. =) thai trip and msia trip. en route to doing a wardrobe makeover. thai trip was particularly enjoyable. prices were dirt cheap. hol trip with wuss for the first time. msia trip was good as well. first trip w/o the adults. well, it was a good experience really. having to worry about our own schedules, our own luggage and stuff. it was really adventurous as we liked to put it. except for tat incident on the way back tat is. kinda unfortunate cos everyting went well before tat. but like we once said in prayers back in cat high, "God forgive our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us"... coincidentally, that was the same message that joel got tat nite. so, all's well... =) Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 3:20 PM Monday, December 18, 2006
ON HOLIDAY TILL 22/12/06 Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 5:08 AM Wednesday, December 06, 2006
i've long wanted to write about tis topic since pre-A's time. private interest VS domestic interest VS social interest. i tink many-a-times, these 3 usually come into conflict in whatever kind of situations. most of the times, these can be interpretated into what ure concerned about, for example, principles that u live by and the many beliefs that u insist on, family rules that u live by since the day u were born wich differ frm every single family wich some may find to be quirky and weird, and finally the obligations that u have to abide by to protect ur social identity. having to achieve a balance within the 3 is perhaps an impossible task and sometimes, any "compromise" wld still result in an unhappy party somehow, rather ironic as it is since a compromise is supposed to be a mutual agreement. i realised recently that in our lives, we often have to balance these 3 so as to lead a "happy" life. as long as one of them falls into disregard, u'll suffer the consequences of having to fix broken relationship. been feelg rather down today for some unknown reasons. its one of those male pms'y days wich u cant really explain y. u jus feel like shit and dun wana talk to anyone cos u noe u'll flare up somehow. the msia trip with the councillors have been driving me crazy ever since the planning began. having to be the middle man btw them and my mum is no easy task to handle and sometimes i jus feel like screwing it and backing out. cos it jus didn feel worth the trouble to go thru. i can understand both parties equally, yet having both to understand each other is as good as putting a north korean nxt to a south korean. i keep having to re-explain over and over and over again till im sick of being the middle one. im pissed at watever shit that im facing yet these 2 grps of ppl jus mean too much to risk any relationships. esp with my mum, i know she faces immense stress as an adult, as a mother, as a wife, as a worker, as a grandmother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a woman and watever and i really cannot bare to put her under more stress as long as i can help it. yet, sometimes, i jus wonder y tings cannot go like the way i wld like it to be. shes stubborn as she is, concerned as ever. but yet, i cant help but feel tat im not given the space to display my qualities. im not talkg about freedom and independece here cos for all i noe, the level of freedom she gives me is about as good as any other teenager of my age. but rather its about the opportunity that she gives me to display myself as a MAN, as reflective and tinking mature, half-teen half-adult. i can understand the fact tat im the youngerst and the supposed spoiled one in the family, but ive grown. ive grown to reach almost 20 in my life. i often tink about why i can do well (no arragonce intended) in NP and council (debateable if u like it) and perhaps a leadership role. friends have asked how the youngest in the family can act like the oldest when im outside. i tink the ans to tis perhaps, is becos i feel trapped at home. so when im out, i get watever chance i have to show wat im made off. and sometimes, its not jus mum sometimes. like the 2 sisters still see me as someone whos pampered and spoiled by my mum. ive to agree to tat to a certain extent, but its not someting that i can just tell my mum NOT to do. i mean, its time to get over the sibling jealousy shit and treat me like a proper man. like the recent thailand trip, i cldn stand the fact tat i was denied any opportunity to do any of the planning or anyting obscurely related to responsibility. like hello, i can very much take care of my belongings and my passport. im not there JUST to help u carry ur shopping bags pls. its simply rididiculous sometimes. on the parade square, im lookg over 60 kids below the age of 15. like yea, i HAVE a certain lvl of responsibility. u can TRUST me. and i tink its unfair tat mum is sayg that im not displayg the same lvl of leadership at home as compared to sch and cca when im not given any chance at all. im sure i will be able to do up to her expectations despite my usual laziness, laid-backness and watever -ve traits. i admit perhaps im very selective of when im performg. i like to work at my own pace and like ppl to follow my pace and be able to work efficiently when i need them to be. i tink tis kinda fits how my stance in council wat like. i admit i wasn tat much of a hardworkg slog when ppl wanted me to but i tink my other qualities off-set them. its perhaps unfair to expect ppl to be followg my pace whenever i need them to be cos they may have different peak times. like they may be most efficient at the start of a proj while im most energetic nearer to the end. so yea. but i tink the bottomline to tis is tat i like to be in control of the situation, albeit being a lil selfish at the same time. the next ting tat i wld like to talk about is perhaps a lil sensitive to talk about since NOBODY noes about tis. i suppose its kinda taboo since even the subjects in this whole issue is not even talkg about it. but i suppose its still fine to be talkg behind this virtual wall. while the whole purpose of tis is not to seek an apology nor an apology on itself, its more of an identification of a situation that is yet again affected by private vs social. in an earlier entry, i mentioned that wenglock and i have somewat of a love-hate relationship. in a way, tis also meant it brinked on peace and war. fortunately or unfortunately, war is ensuing and it has already been tis way for about 3wks? its kinda ironic that we as lit students study plays and novels like othello and the merchants tale from chaucer and yet we didn forsee such an ending. the conflicting charcterisitics and beliefs and stuff. whehter right or wrong, its not for me to decide. but like i said, my personal principles have not space for his own beliefs so ya. i'd rather stay naive and ignorant and be climbed over the head and stabbed in the back or watever than to be . . . but anw, yea, thats how tings are now. so watever the case, the past times were good, but all good tings come to an end. so in closing tis entry, while today has been really gloomy in a way, i tink writing tis entry has helped alot in vomitting out watever that has been on my mind for the past months. its mood lifting in a way. heh. rite nw though, tell me wussy, shld the pilot go for the mission? Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 10:14 PM Tuesday, October 31, 2006
there, ive done it. no more escaping. bring on the exams! Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 4:05 AM
i dun tink ive to say more about A's cos its like 3 days away as i speak. honestly, studying has never been so torturous nor draining like ever since the start of my education life. but then again, ppl say that A's are the most challenging exams u wld ever face in ur life and if u can get past it, u can get past any academic challenge. theres so much at stake, seriously, u wldn even wana entartain the thought of failure, yet u cant. the impeding doom jus gets closer and closer w/o u realising it, until the day comes when the days ure counting down turns to hours. its ridiculous to know my level of knowledge and up to tis very moment, that fear of not knowing wat to write in my exam is ever niggling in my thoughts. perhaps it is most apt to say that i at a stage of such intense fear that im constantly living in a i-jus-wana-get-tis-over-and-done-with-and-permanently-screw-up-my-life. all that talk about bell's curve and tat inherent knowledge that ure no longer in a top sch with the"bottom schs" to buffer ur fall and the ever sinister bell's curve or wat crap. tis nonsensical rant wldn even be here but e moment i started, it jus came pouring out. perhaps i had not even realised the extent of my fear until im done with tis. how else to face life at tis stage but pray for redemption and hope that u'll jus pull through with decent enough grades to once again scrape thru to the next level. which was precisely wat i did for O's. this primal fear is never goin to die down. i need help. i need to meditate. i need God's help to clear my mind and organise all my tots. i know i have the knowledge and i must trust in him to once again lead me thru. its really pathetic how im seeing this words come out of my mind really. this inherent pride and ego which was just made clear to my attn was jus so precise, it cut deep. its time perhaps, tat i admit to my own limitations and seek a calmer soul to face this ordeal. frankly, ive negelected my soul too much. too focused on the minute details and jargon forcing them into my physical self wich is ever so limited when i can rely on my boundless soul which holds so much more capacity. i tink its time i paid a visit to god. the soul is ever so reliable. its energy and self-healing abilities makes it the best superpower u cld ever wish for. the soul, my neglected soul. its time, my friend, its time. cos all we've got to do is trusten. found this on jien's lj and i tot i wld try it out. ( http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm ) i shant gush about how accurate tis is (which i usually do) cos im really drained. and sudd i realise the whole aptness of using the word drained. You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance. (how true the defense mechanism i undertake to protect myseld. the latter statement is fitting as well cos its typical piscean) In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem. (red berets and OCS, here i come) It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you'll have to make the best of things as they are. (wenglock i suppose u understand tis , especially the latter. poor me, such a loner) It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer. (could tat be a poss reason of my whole messed up mind of concepts? wuss, i tink u may understand the earlier part) You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone. (one, jus one whom i can identify straight away. no doubt who tis is, wenglock) overall, a rather accurate assessment on my current situation. drained is the word my friend, drained. Elessar Felagund cleared his thoughts @ 2:27 AM
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